the love of family

Today, I am so thankful for my grandparents. During all my recent visits to different doctors, my Grandpa has been incredibly supportive and encouraging, helping to ease my mind and be hopeful. It has been a long time since I have felt the love of family in this type of way and I am overwhelmingly grateful for the time, energy and compassion Grandpa has offered to me without even being asked. You realize the importance of family during the times you need them the most. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for always being there.

[Kristen and I with Grandpa Barry]

 [I can't read what year it was when this was taken, but I was in high school (judging from my great fashion sense) & of course, Grandpa giving Grandma bunny ears for the picture. Ever the jokester. Which I love about him.]

aaaaah

After being such a mess of anger and frustration the other day, I have to write about what a fun off day I had on Sunday. The best friend and I went to see Beauty and The Beast at the Pantages in Hollywood! I randomly got that weekend day off (a rarity as of late) and we spent a good amount of money on these tickets, so we were super pumped. Erin and I LOVE musicals/plays/shows and to see Beauty and The Beast come to life was incredibly life-changing. Just kidding. But seriously, it was SO good.

I got to Erin's place a little early and we ate dinner together (hopefully a little idea of what things will be like in the near future). We finished getting ready and headed to Hollywood.

I entertained myself on the hour-long drive by taking lots of pictures...of myself. Unusual? No. Erin was a good driver, concentrating (most of the time) on being cautious in the rain. There was that one time we almost hit the car in front of us, but the important thing is that we DIDN'T. [love you Erin]

We got to the Pantages and found a parking spot nearby. We rushed through the freezing rain and picked up our tickets at will call. We spent some time admiring the theater and taking pictures before the show started. Also, I may or may not have taken a couple pictures of random little girls who were SO cute, dressed up in their Belle outfits.

The show was amazing! Belle sounded just like she did in the Disney movie and had a gorgeous voice. One of my favorite characters was Gaston...an arrogant and self-absorbed, but ridiculously funny man. I loved the way they made the show funny, adding comments and one-liners that really engaged the audience. I was laughing. They had it all - the scenery, the colors, the special effects, even streamers shooting out from each side of the theater! You should go see it.

After we got back to Erin's place, I crashed on her couch for the night. I'm so thankful for friends, for theater, for relaxing days and being able to spend money on things that make me happy.

suffocating

I feel like I have no self-worth at this job. Taking care of adolescent boys who are angry and mean and treat me like shit (I'm sorry, but any other word would be an extreme understatement) is just not something that I have the backbone for. Not anymore. I give and give and give, only to be cussed out, hated and treated with incredible disrespect. I am disrespected not only as a woman, but also as a human. You would THINK that someone should be treated with decency simply because they are human. Not here. I guess it isn't my right to be treated with dignity here. I get punched in the face, spit on, threatened and am the brunt of many racist comments with nothing more than a slap on the hand given to these children. RATHER, our abilities as staff are questioned and we are challenged to figure out "what do the children need?" when they act out and assault us. I can understand the good of finding the need behind the behavior, but the behavior must be addressed! How is letting these boys get away with what would be more than enough reason to jail them out in "the real world," considered loving them?

I don't care if you think I'm dramatic. This job is like being in an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally...one you keep going back to because you have no other option.

I need out so badly.

be free!

I'm a person who likes to be in control. I don't enjoy flying because I'm at the complete mercy of the pilot and weather conditions. Group projects mostly annoy me because I'd rather just do it all myself and know it has been done right than to trust in the abilities of others. I like being the driver. I'd rather take the blame for something I did than suffer the consequences of someone else's mistake. I feel the safest when I am in charge.

Maybe that's why it is so hard to trust in a God I cannot see and to find comfort in the arms of Someone whom I cannot feel. A relationship with the God of this universe requires faith in the unseen. To relinquish the control of my life to this God who is beyond human understanding, whose existence I know through faith alone, is scary.

And yet, maybe it's liberating at the same time. To know that I am not in control of what happens in the world, what happens to me, what happens to the people I love, perhaps relieves me of feeling hopeless or like I've failed. To remember and confidently believe that Someone else holds those reins frees me.

But as everyone likes to say, it is easier said than done. It is simpler to know something than to apply it. Yet, perhaps I'm a step closer to understanding this freedom because I've acknowledged it's truth.

While I go through some challenging and emotionally difficult times right now, I must remember that I am free. I am free of controlling my future, of controlling what happens and what does not. My life, whether I choose to accept it or not, is in the hands of Another. He goes before me. It would be a lie to say that I don't feel anxious about the unknown, but I know that worrying does me no good.

Life was not meant to be lived in fear.

booyah!

I was browsing Target today with a couple of the boys and look what I found:

[I'm one happy girl]



If you need an explanation, here it is:

I just can't get enough of her books. Jodi Picoult and I are BFF's.

rest&relaxation

My gimpy ankle and I were prescribed to rest when I went for my follow-up appointment two days ago. The doctor told me to remember RICE: rest / ice / compression / elevation. How cute.

I did just what the doctor ordered. I sat around all day and did crafts, something that I have been obsessed with recently. I'm finding that during my off time or off days, unless I already have plans, I need to have a project to look forward to, to work on and to perfect. Otherwise, I sit on my butt, feeling bored and lonely. Being completely unproductive makes me feel like a waste of space.

SO. Being inspired from this craft on DesignSponge, I made daily calendar journal. On DesignSponge, they stamped only the day at the top and wrote a little note next to each year, but I decided to make my own only for the year 2011. That way, I can fill up the entire index card with several sentences instead of only having room for three words. I was drawn to this project because I love to journal. However, I rarely have time to do it and when I do, I get so overwhelmed with everything I want to say and "catch up" on, that I decide not to do it at all. Writing a few sentences about my day on an index card is something I can do...and something I'll enjoy reading in the future. I'm thinking about putting the cards into a scrapbook or something at the end of the year and then I can use this box to make index cards for 2012.

[I used Mod Podge to glue scrapbook paper on this box and I love how it turned out. I bought a date stamper to mark the dates and used heavier scrapbook paper for the month separations.]

I had gone to the thrift store to look for materials for the project above, but while I didn't find any, I did find a cool placemat. My friend had a placemat like this from WorldMarket and was using it as a jewelry holder. I loved how it looked and when I randomly stumbled upon this for only 79cents, I thought HECK YES.

[I glued picture-hanging hooks to the top of the placemat so they could hold my long necklaces. I also cut a strip off a green t-shirt, which served as a way to hang the placemat. This is so much more convenient than having all my earrings and necklaces thrown into a jewelry box.]

I also made some bracelets out of old t-shirts. You just cut a couple strips (depending on how thick you want the bracelet), pull them so the edges roll under, and then wrap it around your wrist. It's super easy and I was surprised at how much I liked the look of it.

i can still say i've never broken a bone

I sprained my right ankle during work yesterday. I was playing basketball with the boys, during which one child was kneeling on the court to tie his shoe. I got the ball, turned around to run with it and he jumped up in front of me to block. Mmmm, probably not the best way to defend. I either tripped over or awkwardly collided with him, but all I knew is that my ankle was in INCREDIBLE pain. I hobbled away, breathing heavily and freaking out because it hurt so badly. I sat down and rolled around, unable to stay still because my pain level was so high. It was a pretty dramatic scene, but I don't think I've ever felt a pain that intense.

[See the bulge on the right side of my ankle?]

I tried to walk it off, ice it and stay at work the rest of the night, but I just couldn't. In tears, I talked to my friend and decided it would be best to see the doctor. So, I went to Urgent Care last night. A place I have grown to hate. The receptionist was SO rude, not even looking at me while she answered my questions. She also told me it was an hour and a half wait. Ugh, I should have stayed at work, is what I thought to myself. I killed some time by getting Starbucks across the street.

[A comparison of my good foot and bad foot. I think my right foot looks a little blue because it had been without a warm shoe for a while.]

Despite expecting a long wait, as soon as I got back to the waiting room, I was called in. Only a 20 minute wait. SHHHHWEEET! After going through the fun process of telling the doc what happened, getting an x-ray and waiting for reuslts, I was told that there was no fracture (phew!) but an ankle sprain. I can live with an ankle sprain. I was given an ice pack, a heating pad, pain meds, and an ankle brace. I was told I could still work, but with limited activity.

[Less pain = a happier me]

My ankle is still swollen and still sore. Even though it isn't pleasant, I'm thankful that I can still hobble around. And hey, I can still say I've never broken a bone.

life is unpredictable

Hello. Welcome to a sarcastic list of things I love:

one:
When you flush the toilet in a public restroom and the nasty toilet water splashes up at you. Gross.

two:
When a worker is loudly mowing the lawn right outside a drive-thru window when you're trying to order some food.

three:
When you spend half an hour working on an application and then a glitch won't allow you to submit it. [But that was yesterday and today I fixed the problem. I win!]

four:
When you're driving to meet a friend, forget your wallet and have to drive back to get it.

five:
When people leave grocery carts in the middle of open parking spaces. When you start excitedly turning in to park there while fist-pumping for the money spot, and then have to stop abruptly because someone was too lazy to walk five feet to the cart-return. Seriously people?

six:
When silly little boys get mad at silly little things and decide to threaten you and climb on roofs and run in the street.

seven:
When your car starts falling apart. Like when the light on the ceiling falls down and you try to fix it, but it just hangs there from the cords. It's only a litle distracting when you're driving and look in your mirror and see a light swinging back and forth. My friend calls it vintage.

Yesterday evening was pretty ridiculous at work. The children were being very "special" as one of my co-workers likes to say. It was handled and everyone made it out alive, but I left being so annoyed with the day. However, to my pleasant surprise, this morning went really well. The kids were great and cooperative and....QUIET! That never happens. Hopefully they're not saving all the craziness for this afternoon, but I'm optimistic.

I was sitting by a boy's door this morning as he was cleaning. He is 13 years old and out of nowhere he says:

boy: I have a girlfriend. We're still together even though she's in Puerto Rico.
me: Oh, really? I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
boy: Yeah, she's from Puerto Rico.
me: Where did you meet her?
boy: At Walmrt. Here in Chino. We still talk on the phone all the time.

Haha. So ridiculous. But hey, I humored the kid.