sometimes, things don't go the way you planned

Today I learned:

To not leave the lobby when I'm waiting to be called up. Your name WILL be called the second you step out.

That doctors and nurses can be friendly and understanding.

Also, that doctors and nurses can be wrong. And make you worry about unnecessary things.

That health insurance is important and something I'm glad I have. $3,000 for an ER visit? Ummm, no thank you. My medical insurance will take care of that.

That my phone should be fully charged whenever I leave to go somewhere, especially a doctor's office. You may end up somewhere you didn't expect.

To be thankful and really live every moment that I have because you just never know.

I went to the ER today at the urging of a nurse at my doctor's office. What started as a really nerve-wrecking and unsure time for me ended up being a relief. My tests were all normal, praise God.

remember what you have

I am thankful for:

: Kind and empathetic doctors who comfort me while I'm anxious

: Friends, the show that never stops being funny

: Having a place to live after losing my job and residence within two weeks

: My whiteboard calendar - the only way I stay organized

: Erin, Hannah, Stephanie, Allie, Julianne - I love you girls

: The anticipation of something new and exciting, even though there is a lot of unknown

: Happy, fun, can't-help-but-feel-better-after-listening songs courtesy of Disney's Tangled [how many times have I mentioned that movie now?]

: Erin's family, who feel like my own

: Hope - it keeps me going

What? You want me to post some random pictures that have no relation to this blog post whatsoever? Oh, ooooook...

snapshots

1: Can't you tell that dog just LOVES me?!

2: Kristen got me Tangled for my birthday! Overjoyed describes my feelings about that.

3: Abby n e v e r lets me pet her. This was a rare occurence that definitely called for a photo opp.

4: Kristen getting artsy

5: Preventing Gracey from getting hit by a car. She's lucky she has me.

6: Fence and sunlight and out-of-focus

Don't try to squeeze a bulky television [that weights a billion pounds because it was made forever ago] between your car doors and a rough wall. It will probably tear up your hands.

the human spirit

I am so inspired by incredible stories of survival by people who refuse to give up. I am completely hooked on the following shows:

I Survived
I'm Alive
I Shouldn't Be Alive

Sensing a pattern? I probably shouldn't watch these shows because it makes me [more] paranoid about life, but they are all so inspiring. The human will to live is amazing and I always end up wondering what I would do in those horrifying situations that people live through.

Tonight I watched a two hour documentary about the 1972 Uruguayan plane that crashed in the Andes. The flight started out with 45 people aboard and there were 16 men that survived the ordeal. Do you know how long they were stranded in the freezing mountains? 72 days. SEVENTY-TWO days. That is absolutely incredible. To hear about everything they went through for 2.5 months was awful. But then to hear that 16 of them survived all of those awful days is so, so amazing.

Two men actually trekked almost 40 miles through the snowy mountains (with barely any food, water, no equipment and no idea of where they were), looking for rescue. When they finally stumbled upon a river, I can't even imagine how happy they must have felt. One of the survivors spoke of the overwhelming sense of relief to sense that life was near. First they found the river, and then a patch of grass with some flowers. This man made the comment that in these moments, you realize that we don't need everything we have, that life is much simpler than it looks. What a profound statement, and so true.

We don't need iPhones or BMW's or Mac's or flat-screen TV's. These gadgets and materialistic things that make our lives comfortable and fancy somehow become twisted into ideas of things that we think we need.

When it comes down to it, love is the most important thing. Relationships are what matters and are what remain when we have nothing left. So let's love more! Let's want less. 

a long overdue update!

My, oh my. So much is going on right now. So much transition. I feel like there is so much to update. So, here is my life [in list form] of my life during the past week...in no particular order.

one

Last weekend, I spent three days with my Grandma and on Saturday, we flew on a private jet to Portland, Oregon. My grandparents have been in the process of finding a house in Vancouver, Washington and so my Grandma and I were able to see two of the houses my Grandpa was interested in. The jet was so cool and Portland/Vancouver was b e a u t i f u l.

two

Remember that time I'm moving out of Hillview tomorrow?! Eek. Packing, packing, changing addresses, getting a storage shed, packing, looking for jobs, packing, packing.

[cluttered hallway full of all the crap I don't want and my bare, empty bedroom]

three

I watched Disney's Tangled twice in two days because I love, LOVE it. And then I got three of the songs. I wish my life was a Disney movie and it was acceptable to spontaneously break out in song.

four

One reason that all this transition has been so stressful is because I'm dealing with some medical issues. I don't think they are serious because all of my tests have come back normal, but I'm still cramming in doctor's appointments and tests before my insurance runs out at the end of April.

[One of the tests required wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours. I wore these sticky nodes all over my chest and kept that black monitor in my pocket. Most annoying thing ever. Want to know why it was even MORE annoying? Read on...]

five

On the day I was doing the heart monitor test, I also went to the beach. It was something that had been planned for a while...our last hoorah as Hillview co-workers/friends living and raising children together. The heart monitor ended up not being as in-the-way as I thought it would be and I had a lot of fun hanging out with some good people.

six

I want to specifically mention that my friend [and ex co-worker], Hannah, was able to come down in time for the beach day and she also spent the night with me. Hannah left Hillview a week before it closed down and moved about five hours away. We only said goodbye two weeks ago, but it was sooooo, so good to see her again. I love her.

seven

I am not a fan of this heat. It's suffocating and it was NOT fun loading and unloading all my stuff in 80 degree weather.

eight

It was my 24th birthday yesterday. Despite all the packing and cleaning and errands, I enjoyed spending a fun evening with Erin. For the past three years now, she has planned something for my birthday and it has always been a surprise. 2009 it was Disneyland, 2010 it was a tour of WB Studios, and this year she took me down to the Americana at Glendale. It was a beautiful outdoor mall that I would describe as a mix of San Diego's Horton Plaza and a mini Las Vegas. We ate quickly and saw Source Code at the theater there. Have you seen that movie? I love Jake Gyllenhaal, but I'm still trying to figure out the ending...

By tomorrow, I will be all moved out...maybe. All of my big stuff is moved and in storage. I'll be crashing at Erin's place for three weeks until we make the big move to Wilmington!! We're incredibly excited about our place and can't wait to have visitors once we get settled in. I'm hoping to use these next three weeks of being at Erin's place to find a job. Ideally, it would be great to have a job lined up, or already started, by the time we move. I would be so relieved! I'm trying to stay confident and optimistic about the job search, and remembering to trust that God's hand is in all of this. I've got a lot to be thankful for.

goodbye

Well, I was wrong about Tuesday being my last day. The schedule was revised and I actually worked today. We only had two boys left on campus and I was under the impression that they were leaving in the late afternoon. It was a shock to get a text message at 800am saying they would be leaving at 900am. One hour. The last two boys on campus were leaving in one short hour and that meant that my time at Hillview was very quickly coming to an end.

I didn't expect to feel so sad, so emotional. We packed up the two boys and drove them to the Department of Social Services. We unloaded their stuff and left them in the hands of a social worker until they were driven off to their next placement. I felt so bad saying goodbye and walking away, knowing that the system is not kind. As much as I've been angry and frustrated and bitter, I was reassured of my humanity when I felt the sadness of saying goodbye to these two boys. I couldn't help but feel like I was abandoning them.

So there it is. My last day e v e r of working at Hillview. Two years and two months later, I am shocked that it ended like this. I think I am eager to move on to the next part of my life, but right now, I just feel sad. But that's okay. I think I'll let myself be sad for a little while.

this is it

Well it's finally happening. All of us knew in the back of our heads that it was a possibility, but to actually hear that Hillview is closing down was a shock. We were really led to believe that a merge was happening. We were told that a new company was going to come in and more than likely, keep all of us houseparents because we "have done such great work with the kids" and "it would be a bad decision to replace all of us."

We had the meeting this past Thursday. Originally we were told that by April 30th, everyone would be gone, but (after I had to specifically ASK this question) we were told that there was a good chance we would be laid off before the end of April. There was another meeting several hours later and we were told that our last day of work would be April 6th and we had to be out of our rooms by the 17th. WTF. That meant we had one week left of work and only a little over two weeks to be moved out. THAT was probably the most shocking part of my day. Despite how much I've hated parts of my job and how incredibly challenging it sometimes is, hearing that I'll be kicked out in a short week is pretty emotional. And ten days to find a job AND somewhere to live?? That is a lot to figure out in a short amount of time.

Fortunately, I was already on my way out of Hillview. I had an interview two days before we were told the news. However, I was planning on staying here until I found a new job...oh, how things change. Erin and I did find an apartment (actually, townhouse) that we LOVE. I was waiting to hear back from my job interview before we committed to the new place, but we have decided to go for it since I'll need somewhere to live really soon. Erin offered to let me crash with her for three weeks until we can move to the new apartment. It isn't an ideal situation, but I'll have a roof over my head and for that, I am very thankful.

We told the boys today about Hillview closing down. It was a lot harder than I had anticipated and there were lots of tears, from both the boys and the staff. You don't really know a good thing until it's gone and despite all their blowouts, cussing us out, threatening us, and complaining about everything under the sun, a handful of them voiced today how much this place meant to them. It feels good to be appreciated, though it's sad that it had to end like this. My heart breaks for these boys who continue to be passed around in the system, building relationships and making progress, only to be passed on again to their next placement. It's not fair.

Things will be okay in the end. I hope. It's a weird experience to get laid off from my first "real world" job and at the same time, to lose where I live. I have a lot of memories here. I think it'll take a while to process everything that I have been through, so the next few weeks off will be a good time of relaxation and reflection for me. You can't leave a job like this without being changed and I want to realize the good that came out of (to put it bluntly) so much crap.

one: One of my first memories at Hillview, taken only 2.5 months after I was hired. We were cleaning underneath all the couches and it turned into a "let's jump off the cabinets and onto a pile of pillows" party while the children were sleeping. two: Taking a trip to Sonic with people I barely knew. It's funny to look at this picture from when I hardly knew Hannah and to now think about how close we are and how well we know each other. This girl was one of my closest friends at Hillview. She has encouraged me in so many ways.

three: My first "spring break day" at Hillview, where we play a lot of fun games and the kids get tons of sweet prizes. four: We had a photoshoot of the girls in a park so they could make a photo album of them and their friends. five: A insanely hot July 4th! We had just gone to a parade with the girls and came back to make these July 4th-themed drinks.

six: With Mandi at Hillview's Memorial Day. seven: With Cleaster and Hannah.

I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day working at Hillview ever. I hope to enjoy the boys as much as I can. After that, it's a scramble to find a new job and get all my stuff packed up. I also plan on spending a lot of time with my co-workers (well, former co-workers), since we'll all be here, pretty much doing the same thing until we get kicked out on the 17th. Dang. This is unreal.

...

It's difficult to be courageous in the midst of the unknown and it's hard to accept the things you cannot control. But. I guess you just pick yourself up and make the best of things.

I can't talk about everything that has been going on, but big changes are coming quickly and I didn't expect how affected I would be by them.

I can say that I had an interview three days ago on the 29th for a case management position in Anaheim. I spent SO long preparing for this interview: making a list of strengths and weaknesses, spending hours figuring out an appropriate outfit, rehearsing everything I would say and pumping myself up to be confident when put on the spot. I can't say that it was all a waste, buuuuut the interview was a quick 30 minutes long and most of the questions they asked were not what I had expected or prepared for. Aaaah well. I did the best I could and was told it would be a week or two before I would hear back from them. I would love to have this job, but if I don't get the offer, then the annoying and seemingly endless job search will once again ensue.