overload

I started to write, but I can't tonight. I'm feeling way too overwhelmed with all my emotions, which I guess is an indication of how my day went.

exhaustion.

Today wasn't awful, but I'm exhausted. The morning did not start off well. One of my girls waited all the way until 6:40am to start having a problem. It involved throwing shoes against the wall, attempting (with no success) to flood the bathroom, stealing a butter knife from the kitchen, threatening to stab me with the butter knife, and getting a few punches thrown in my general direction. It ended in a restraint, which really wore me out. Man. I get so frustrated with these girls and the way they get so upset about seemingly nonsense little things. But then I remember that their behaviors were learned through difficult experiences - behaviors to self-protect. I remember that these kids may not have the ability to verbalize their anxieties, but their anxieties are definitely legitimate. Though it is my job to keep them safe and prevent them from physically hurting others and themselves, I also want to be sensitive to what they are going through.

This job is not easy. I don't mean to throw a pity party for myself or beg for recognition. I suppose I just feel better having written that down. This job is not easy. It sucks sometimes and I wonder why the hell I'm giving up my life for these kids who have NO idea (nor care to have any idea of) what I do for them. I feel really lonely sometimes, wishing that someone understood how emotionally draining, and sometimes physically draining, this job is almost every day. I seriously thank God for my co-workers. I have been SO freaking blessed to work with amazing women who have become close friends. I don't know how I would do it without them.

I desire more compassion in my life. More love, more grace, more understanding and more patience. God knows I'm running low on patience.

a day in the life

Not much to report today. The girls here were good and we had a (thankfully) uneventful day. Oooh, we went to see The Princess and the Frog! I heard of reviews that said it was an "instant classic," but I'm not so sure I agree. Perhaps it's because I'm biased towards the Disney movies I grew up with or maybe I'm just too judgemental, but the movie wasn't fantastic. It had super creepy parts too. The evil man used VooDoo and had "friends on the other side." The shadows on the walls and the implications made toward the presence of demons made the movie less appealing as it threw around the idea of evil spirits way too lightly.

Blah, enough of that. Today, one of my girls begged and begged me to open a gift she got me for Christmas. "Kara, you are going to LOVE it!! You are going to jump up and down! You'll be so excited about what I got you!" is what I had been hearing for the past three days. Enough is enough, right? I opened the gift. It was a large bottle of apple cider scented bubble bath and a soft bath sponge that said "refresh" on it. I can't say that I was jumping up a down, but she was so sweet to get me a gift. She remembered that one day I came to cottage with a gallon of apple cider because I freaking love that stuff! So I am officially one bubble bath and one loofa the richer.

:)

nothing

I have no motivation.

this and that

I haven't had much to write about lately. Work is going well. The holidays have been a little difficult for both the kids and myself, but manageable. I was off yesterday and am off today (a blessing and rarity to be off two days in a row). Yesterday, I went down to Escondido to watch the Chargers game with a friend and I also briefly hung out with my sister. It was definitely bittersweet being in the town I grew up in, but not having a home to be invited into. Yeah, I know the term "home" has been thrown around a lot by me lately. It's the holidays...after December, I'll try to have something else to talk about. Anyway, today has been spent sleeping in and lounging around. I feel like eating ice cream and watching movies all day. Maybe I'll scrapbook some. I love lazy, do-nothing days.

The beautiful fall colors in John's backyard!


Trying to get Achilles to take a picture with me


Scifres got mad about a touchback and I caught his potty mouth on camera


What a great outfit


Who doesn't love denim on denim?

ramblings

I was driving one of my girls back from school this morning (her teacher said she needed to be at home because she was sick) and had an "awwww" moment with her. We were listening to music and not talking much when she asked me, "Can we take cotton from the clouds?" She is 13 years old and I figured she was being silly, so I told her that it was illegal to do that. Her eyes got big and she said, "Really?!" It was then that I realized she was completely serious. How precious. I told her that it isn't possible to touch the clouds because it's just water and not anything tangible (in so many words). To which she responded, "Well, in Heaven we'll be able to walk on the clouds and not fall through." Seriously. Could you BE more precious? I love these moments.

Her comments about Heaven led me to thoughts about life and our perspective of life. I have been struggling with the idea of not having a home. I can't really identify one place that is home to me. The house I lived in for several years leading up to college isn't a place that I am welcomed into anymore. I love Indiana, but I only spent four years there and I don't have a place waiting for me. I live in Chino now, where I work, that's all it is - work. I don't work at my home; my home is where I work. I get sad thinking about my lack of a home, especially around the holidays this year. I want a place that is comfortable, that is loving and accepting. I want to be excited about going home for Christmas. But I'm not. The past couple of years, I haved wished for the holidays to come and quickly go so that I'm not reminded for too long of what I don't have.

However, then I started to think about what I do have. I have a Savior who unconditionally loves and relentlessly pursues me. I have a home in Heaven waiting for me. In Heaven! It should be difficult to be unhappy here on earth when I remember that I have so much more than I could ever imagine waiting for me beyond this life. Heaven is my home. What if we lived with this eternal perspective, realizing the bigger picture? I think our problems here would become so petty as our eyes would be opened to the work going on behind the scenes. God is bigger than my problems. In my weakness, He is strong.

The question I pose to myself and offer to you is this: How will my life change as I live in light of eternity?


Our view as my friends and I drove home from backpacking in the Smoky Mountains

be where you are

Call me sentimental, but I was really sad yesterday when I changed my Indiana license plates to California license plates. I know I'm probably over-reacting, but there's just something about the midwest that feels like home to me. I feel unsettled here in California. It's definitely a process (a seemingly slow one, these days) of learning how to be content with where I am and being available for God to use me to my full potential.

From California...


...to Indiana...


...and back.

happy 1st of December

Today marks the four year anniversary of when I first saw snow fall. I was a freshman at Taylor University and I remember being outside for 4 hours, walking around in the fresh snow. I also remember getting teased for being so fascinated, but I think that's when I fell in love with the midwest. The snow is so gorgeous!! And now I'm in California where seasons don't exist and temperatures in the sixties are considered cold. I'm in California where a light mist is reason to call a storm watch and idiot drivers drive more idiotically because they can't handle the rain. California is crowded and I can't see the mountains half the time because the smog is so thick. Yeah, I'll admit I'm a little bitter.

♥ I left my heart in Indiana ♥

So pretty


Cold and windy!

Loving the icicles

Friends :)

turkey day '09

This was my first Thanksgiving in California in four years. Freshman year, I was in Illinois with family friends. Sophomore and Junior year, I was in Ohio. Senior year I was in Myrtle Beach with a friend and her family. Thanksgiving this year was weird. I was in California and the temperature was in the seventies. But the weirdest part about it was "giving" Thanksgiving instead of "getting" it. I was working yesterday and I was family to the girls in my cottage. My fellow houseparents and I were responsible for making yesterday feel like Thanksgiving for our girls.

In high school and college, the holidays were awesome because it meant a vacation from school and time with friends and family. This year, the holida looked a lot different. I worked for Thanksgiving and will probably be working on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'm the one bringing presents to the girls instead of receiving them. It is up to me and my co-workers to make the holidays special for my girls who won't be spending it with their families.

I feel a great burden this year. The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, but I'm not happy. I feel lonely. My heart goes out for the kids here who either don't have families to be with during the holidays or just can't be with them. Yet, I can also empathize with them. I understand how it feels to be left out. I pray that God gives me the desire to make the most of this holiday season, not only for me, but also for my kids.

thoughts

I was off today and only felt a little bit guilty about not getting out of bed until 1230pm. But it was also a productive day. I finally got a smog check for my car, replaced the cracked fuel cap, and then went to Barnes and Nobles to read. You know you're growing up when your favorite place to go is the bookstore. It's nice and quiet in there, a place to get away. I also got a membership there because I realized I visited the place a lot more than I thought. That was exciting. Then my friend got off early from work and came over to hang out. She helped me clean my nasty kitchen so that my place is finally starting to look like a home!

I also got an email today that stirred up a lot of emotion. It caused me to think about how important parents are to a child. We look up to our parents. We long for their approval, love and acceptance no matter how much they may have hurt us. I think sometimes I hate them and love them at the same time, if that's even possible. It's interesting working at a place like this and seeing so many kids with loads of emotional pain caused from their parents' abuse, neglect and/or indifference. But even having gone through all of that, they still hold their parents on a pedestal and crave the relationship they may never have. It's sad to see that and even more disheartening to know that as they grow up, they'll realize that reality. And yet, it doesn't mean they won't still want to be loved by their parents, to be taken care of by their parents and to simply be important to their parents.

I wish I could be secure in myself and have the confidence to know that I'm worthy. I can't wait to be a mother someday, but I'm also terrified. God has bestowed upon parents such a crucial and challenging role.

bffs

Gosh, friends are such a blessing. I met up with Erin today, my BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. We figured out that we have been friends for almost 12 years. That's crazy!!!! We met in fifth grade, while we were both involved in our church's kids choir program. In eighth grade, our parents forced us to go on a trip together and we ended up being best friends. Thanks moms :) Erin and I went to the same high school, but she stayed in California for college, while I went 2000 miles away to Indiana. Buuuuut, we withstood the distance and I still consider her my closest friend.

Erin, we rule. And I love you ♥

Escondido Charter High School graduates!


2005


Erin visiting Taylor University in 2006


2007


Hiking Half Dome in 2008


At Disneyland for my birthday in 2009

hello little doggy

Oooh, two blogs in one day! This will make up for when I slack off later :)

My sister and I went to visit my Grandma tonight. We met her puppy for the first time and she was super cute. Her name is Maisie and she's a freaking little sprite. She was way hyper most of the time we were there, but she was so presh!

Go Bolts!

My sister came last night so we could watch the Chargers game together today. Only problem: I can't find the dang channel on tv! I'm going to be so annoyed if we don't get to watch it. Every other stupid game is on, except the only one we care about. Boo.

Last night, I was driving with some of my girls. On the road, there was a small gap in between the yellow lines designating lanes. My eleven-year old said, "That lane is for Stuart Little so he can drive too."

oh how He loves us

If only we could understand how much God loves us.

Well hello ♥

Yes, I am joining the blogging world!

Welcome to my life:

I work at a group home, taking care of eight girls between the ages of 11-16. They all have difficult histories and come with a lot of emotional baggage. My official title is "residential counselor" but I think the more commonly used title of "houseparent" describes my job more clearly. In a sense, I am a parent to these girls, though I'm hesitant to use that word. My job is to help these girls realize their potential and to help them overcome negative behaviors caused by bad relationships. I am here to be a trustworthy adult in their lives and to help them realize their worth. It is a very challenging job because of how resistant the girls can be towards us, making every day unpredictable and different. Some days are hard, but I'm pretty sure that I like my job most of the time.

I work 60-65 hours a week, which makes it hard to have a life outside of my job. Oh, and did I mention that I also live here? Recently, the line between work and life has become somewhat blurred, which makes it easy to get burned out and overwhelmed. However, I am blessed that my co-workers have become close friends who help alleviate the stress of the job.

Enough about work. I love nature. I've hiked Half Dome at Yosemite and have backpacked in the Smoky Mountains. Thy sky fascinates me. I enjoy taking trips with good friends. I prefer the midwest over California and hope to move back out there someday. I graduated with a psychology degree, but am leaning more toward social work. I'm not close to my parents. I love football and enjoy most other sports. Music helps me to escape. I try to love people as best I can, but often get frustrated that my best is not good enough. I'm doing what I can.

I wanted to post pictures, but it's getting late and I'm sleepy. Goodnight world.