this is it

Well it's finally happening. All of us knew in the back of our heads that it was a possibility, but to actually hear that Hillview is closing down was a shock. We were really led to believe that a merge was happening. We were told that a new company was going to come in and more than likely, keep all of us houseparents because we "have done such great work with the kids" and "it would be a bad decision to replace all of us."

We had the meeting this past Thursday. Originally we were told that by April 30th, everyone would be gone, but (after I had to specifically ASK this question) we were told that there was a good chance we would be laid off before the end of April. There was another meeting several hours later and we were told that our last day of work would be April 6th and we had to be out of our rooms by the 17th. WTF. That meant we had one week left of work and only a little over two weeks to be moved out. THAT was probably the most shocking part of my day. Despite how much I've hated parts of my job and how incredibly challenging it sometimes is, hearing that I'll be kicked out in a short week is pretty emotional. And ten days to find a job AND somewhere to live?? That is a lot to figure out in a short amount of time.

Fortunately, I was already on my way out of Hillview. I had an interview two days before we were told the news. However, I was planning on staying here until I found a new job...oh, how things change. Erin and I did find an apartment (actually, townhouse) that we LOVE. I was waiting to hear back from my job interview before we committed to the new place, but we have decided to go for it since I'll need somewhere to live really soon. Erin offered to let me crash with her for three weeks until we can move to the new apartment. It isn't an ideal situation, but I'll have a roof over my head and for that, I am very thankful.

We told the boys today about Hillview closing down. It was a lot harder than I had anticipated and there were lots of tears, from both the boys and the staff. You don't really know a good thing until it's gone and despite all their blowouts, cussing us out, threatening us, and complaining about everything under the sun, a handful of them voiced today how much this place meant to them. It feels good to be appreciated, though it's sad that it had to end like this. My heart breaks for these boys who continue to be passed around in the system, building relationships and making progress, only to be passed on again to their next placement. It's not fair.

Things will be okay in the end. I hope. It's a weird experience to get laid off from my first "real world" job and at the same time, to lose where I live. I have a lot of memories here. I think it'll take a while to process everything that I have been through, so the next few weeks off will be a good time of relaxation and reflection for me. You can't leave a job like this without being changed and I want to realize the good that came out of (to put it bluntly) so much crap.

one: One of my first memories at Hillview, taken only 2.5 months after I was hired. We were cleaning underneath all the couches and it turned into a "let's jump off the cabinets and onto a pile of pillows" party while the children were sleeping. two: Taking a trip to Sonic with people I barely knew. It's funny to look at this picture from when I hardly knew Hannah and to now think about how close we are and how well we know each other. This girl was one of my closest friends at Hillview. She has encouraged me in so many ways.

three: My first "spring break day" at Hillview, where we play a lot of fun games and the kids get tons of sweet prizes. four: We had a photoshoot of the girls in a park so they could make a photo album of them and their friends. five: A insanely hot July 4th! We had just gone to a parade with the girls and came back to make these July 4th-themed drinks.

six: With Mandi at Hillview's Memorial Day. seven: With Cleaster and Hannah.

I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day working at Hillview ever. I hope to enjoy the boys as much as I can. After that, it's a scramble to find a new job and get all my stuff packed up. I also plan on spending a lot of time with my co-workers (well, former co-workers), since we'll all be here, pretty much doing the same thing until we get kicked out on the 17th. Dang. This is unreal.

...

It's difficult to be courageous in the midst of the unknown and it's hard to accept the things you cannot control. But. I guess you just pick yourself up and make the best of things.

I can't talk about everything that has been going on, but big changes are coming quickly and I didn't expect how affected I would be by them.

I can say that I had an interview three days ago on the 29th for a case management position in Anaheim. I spent SO long preparing for this interview: making a list of strengths and weaknesses, spending hours figuring out an appropriate outfit, rehearsing everything I would say and pumping myself up to be confident when put on the spot. I can't say that it was all a waste, buuuuut the interview was a quick 30 minutes long and most of the questions they asked were not what I had expected or prepared for. Aaaah well. I did the best I could and was told it would be a week or two before I would hear back from them. I would love to have this job, but if I don't get the offer, then the annoying and seemingly endless job search will once again ensue.

the love of family

Today, I am so thankful for my grandparents. During all my recent visits to different doctors, my Grandpa has been incredibly supportive and encouraging, helping to ease my mind and be hopeful. It has been a long time since I have felt the love of family in this type of way and I am overwhelmingly grateful for the time, energy and compassion Grandpa has offered to me without even being asked. You realize the importance of family during the times you need them the most. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for always being there.

[Kristen and I with Grandpa Barry]

 [I can't read what year it was when this was taken, but I was in high school (judging from my great fashion sense) & of course, Grandpa giving Grandma bunny ears for the picture. Ever the jokester. Which I love about him.]

aaaaah

After being such a mess of anger and frustration the other day, I have to write about what a fun off day I had on Sunday. The best friend and I went to see Beauty and The Beast at the Pantages in Hollywood! I randomly got that weekend day off (a rarity as of late) and we spent a good amount of money on these tickets, so we were super pumped. Erin and I LOVE musicals/plays/shows and to see Beauty and The Beast come to life was incredibly life-changing. Just kidding. But seriously, it was SO good.

I got to Erin's place a little early and we ate dinner together (hopefully a little idea of what things will be like in the near future). We finished getting ready and headed to Hollywood.

I entertained myself on the hour-long drive by taking lots of pictures...of myself. Unusual? No. Erin was a good driver, concentrating (most of the time) on being cautious in the rain. There was that one time we almost hit the car in front of us, but the important thing is that we DIDN'T. [love you Erin]

We got to the Pantages and found a parking spot nearby. We rushed through the freezing rain and picked up our tickets at will call. We spent some time admiring the theater and taking pictures before the show started. Also, I may or may not have taken a couple pictures of random little girls who were SO cute, dressed up in their Belle outfits.

The show was amazing! Belle sounded just like she did in the Disney movie and had a gorgeous voice. One of my favorite characters was Gaston...an arrogant and self-absorbed, but ridiculously funny man. I loved the way they made the show funny, adding comments and one-liners that really engaged the audience. I was laughing. They had it all - the scenery, the colors, the special effects, even streamers shooting out from each side of the theater! You should go see it.

After we got back to Erin's place, I crashed on her couch for the night. I'm so thankful for friends, for theater, for relaxing days and being able to spend money on things that make me happy.

suffocating

I feel like I have no self-worth at this job. Taking care of adolescent boys who are angry and mean and treat me like shit (I'm sorry, but any other word would be an extreme understatement) is just not something that I have the backbone for. Not anymore. I give and give and give, only to be cussed out, hated and treated with incredible disrespect. I am disrespected not only as a woman, but also as a human. You would THINK that someone should be treated with decency simply because they are human. Not here. I guess it isn't my right to be treated with dignity here. I get punched in the face, spit on, threatened and am the brunt of many racist comments with nothing more than a slap on the hand given to these children. RATHER, our abilities as staff are questioned and we are challenged to figure out "what do the children need?" when they act out and assault us. I can understand the good of finding the need behind the behavior, but the behavior must be addressed! How is letting these boys get away with what would be more than enough reason to jail them out in "the real world," considered loving them?

I don't care if you think I'm dramatic. This job is like being in an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally...one you keep going back to because you have no other option.

I need out so badly.