Today marks my one year anniversary at Hillview. It has been one long [challenging, fun, emotional, discouraging, empowering, completely crazy] year. I was trying to decide what to write about today because a year is a lot to sum up. I decided to sum it up in ten.
Ten things I learned at Hillview (in no particular order):
1. How to file a missing persons report. Over. And over. And over again.
2. How to cook for ten people.
3. How to love someone who the day/hour/even minute before was cursing your existence on this earth.
4. How to open a locked door in the dark.
5. How to become a better decision-maker, especially in crisis situations.
6. The impact of my attitude.
7. How to stay calm when things are crazy.
8. That I have female authority issues.
9. That I'm addicted to Starbucks (or perhaps, my job caused an addiction to Starbucks).
10. That a 22-year old can look good in a mini-van. Oh yes, I do.
:: Thank you Hillview for a crazy year of growth and new experiences ::
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
short & sweet
Just so I don't sound like a complete Debbie Downer, I had a great day with the girls on Saturday. It was a quiet, uneventful day...just the way I like it.
That's all :)
That's all :)
Friday, February 19, 2010
*sigh*
How do I form words to adequately express what I feel? I can't. I'm too tired to think and even if I could, I know that words would only dull the intensity of my emotions.
I love the idea of what I do. I love the idea of helping these girls realize that 1) adults can be trusted, 2) the world is not a scary place, and 3) that they are worthy of love. I love the idea of sacrificing myself to do all I can for these girls who have gone through experiences I will never fully understand. But. How long do I stick around when I'm being physically, verbally and emotionally abused almost every day? I know not to take it personally. I know that the anger and hatred comes from somewhere deeper, but it doesn't change the fact that their anger is aimed towards me. It is hard to be constantly disrespected, assaulted and hated when I have given MY LIFE for these kids.
I hate it when they say I'm here for the money because I could be making more working at In 'N Out. I hate it when they say that I like to restrain them because that is the last thing I would like to be doing. I hate it when the girls say they are going to take pictures of the marks we give them during restraints when they have NO problem punching, kicking, biting, spitting and using whatever they can find to use as a weapon against us.
I hate that I am letting the girls get to me because I know that what they say isn't true. I know that I'm here because I care and because I CHOOSE to be. I don't want to be the girl who left because she couldn't handle it. But it isn't NORMAL to be in an environment like this, where no one appreciates your strengths, your sacrifices, your perseverence. Well, not no one. My co-workers are amazing and are always encouraging me, which is a lot of the reason why I'm still here and doing the best I can.
I hope this is only a phase I'm going through. I feel so empty.
I love the idea of what I do. I love the idea of helping these girls realize that 1) adults can be trusted, 2) the world is not a scary place, and 3) that they are worthy of love. I love the idea of sacrificing myself to do all I can for these girls who have gone through experiences I will never fully understand. But. How long do I stick around when I'm being physically, verbally and emotionally abused almost every day? I know not to take it personally. I know that the anger and hatred comes from somewhere deeper, but it doesn't change the fact that their anger is aimed towards me. It is hard to be constantly disrespected, assaulted and hated when I have given MY LIFE for these kids.
I hate it when they say I'm here for the money because I could be making more working at In 'N Out. I hate it when they say that I like to restrain them because that is the last thing I would like to be doing. I hate it when the girls say they are going to take pictures of the marks we give them during restraints when they have NO problem punching, kicking, biting, spitting and using whatever they can find to use as a weapon against us.
I hate that I am letting the girls get to me because I know that what they say isn't true. I know that I'm here because I care and because I CHOOSE to be. I don't want to be the girl who left because she couldn't handle it. But it isn't NORMAL to be in an environment like this, where no one appreciates your strengths, your sacrifices, your perseverence. Well, not no one. My co-workers are amazing and are always encouraging me, which is a lot of the reason why I'm still here and doing the best I can.
I hope this is only a phase I'm going through. I feel so empty.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
really?
It's the worst when you go into work at 715am (sometimes 630am) and the kids are already having problems. How do you wake up at 630am and already decide you want to threaten people when, for the past 8 hours, you've been around no one because you were SLEEPING?! I don't get it. And it makes going into work very hard. Mornings seem to hint at what the afternoons and evenings will be like. If the kids are already yelling, cussing, bickering and arguing at 630 in the morning, it isn't a surprise for it to continue until bedtime.
I'm so glad the girls go to school during the day, so I have some off time to relax until they get back. They are wearing me thin.
I'm so glad the girls go to school during the day, so I have some off time to relax until they get back. They are wearing me thin.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
a good day
I went snowboarding with Kristen yesterday. It was my first time and though I have wanted to go for a while, I was super nervous about not knowing what to expect. Our view driving up to Snow Valley was gorgeous and there was tons of snow when we arrived. I signed up for a lesson, though not really sure if I wanted to take the class. Good thing I did, because I was TERRIBLE. I think I let my mind get the best of me and I kept psyching myself out. The hill looks too steep, I'm going too fast, I won't be able to stop, someone else is going to hit me. So for the class, I sucked. It took forever for me to get five feet forward because I was being a wuss.
Kristen went on the slopes a couple times until my class was over. After that, we ate lunch - I desperately needed food and water - and then we hit the slopes together. We went on the baby slope that I practiced on with the instructor. It probably isn't an exaggeration to say that it took an hour for me to get down the slope. Anyway, at the end of the day, Kristen talked me into trying a different slope. I was super unsure and kept asking her if she thought it would be too steep for me. But I'm SO glad I went for it! I had my best runs down that slope and I walked away happy and proud that I wasn't as bad as I thought. Aaaaaaaaaanyway. Enough talk, here are some pictures!
The view on our drive up the mountain
All geared up
Learning how to not die while snowboarding
I have bruised knees for being in this position so many times
The first part of my day
Body language says it all
Sisters!
Kristen was so good!
Kristen was so natural on a snowboard
My best run at the end of the day
At the end of the day, sore but happy
Gorgeous sunset on the drive back
Kristen went on the slopes a couple times until my class was over. After that, we ate lunch - I desperately needed food and water - and then we hit the slopes together. We went on the baby slope that I practiced on with the instructor. It probably isn't an exaggeration to say that it took an hour for me to get down the slope. Anyway, at the end of the day, Kristen talked me into trying a different slope. I was super unsure and kept asking her if she thought it would be too steep for me. But I'm SO glad I went for it! I had my best runs down that slope and I walked away happy and proud that I wasn't as bad as I thought. Aaaaaaaaaanyway. Enough talk, here are some pictures!
The view on our drive up the mountain
All geared up
Learning how to not die while snowboarding
I have bruised knees for being in this position so many times
The first part of my day
Body language says it all
Sisters!
Kristen was so good!
Kristen was so natural on a snowboard
My best run at the end of the day
At the end of the day, sore but happy
Gorgeous sunset on the drive back
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
my life in ten
1. I need a vacation.
2. I was working from 700am-245am on Saturday. Thank you crazy children.
3. I love the rain, but hate that the kids are inside all day.
4. I got my hair cut short.
5. Allie and JB turned 23 this past week. We're growing up!
6. Starbucks is helping me get through life with a smile on my face.
7. I love Stephanie Foyle.
8. I'm contemplating buying a nice camera and pursuing photography.
9. I started my sixth Jodi Picoult book today.
10. I'm going snowboarding for the first time on Friday with Kristen.
2. I was working from 700am-245am on Saturday. Thank you crazy children.
3. I love the rain, but hate that the kids are inside all day.
4. I got my hair cut short.
5. Allie and JB turned 23 this past week. We're growing up!
6. Starbucks is helping me get through life with a smile on my face.
7. I love Stephanie Foyle.
8. I'm contemplating buying a nice camera and pursuing photography.
9. I started my sixth Jodi Picoult book today.
10. I'm going snowboarding for the first time on Friday with Kristen.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
words of wisdom
A close friend told me this recently. I think it should be in a book or something. It can be applicable to all difficult relationships.
Share honestly, and if they receive it, great! And if they don't, be patient because sometimes hearing the truth brings out defensiveness, but you never know what will come out of it. Be aware of all your emotions; they are not great leaders, but great indicators. Be vulnerable enough for them to see you, so they can have the opportunity to love you. Don't assume they won't.
She's good, huh?
Share honestly, and if they receive it, great! And if they don't, be patient because sometimes hearing the truth brings out defensiveness, but you never know what will come out of it. Be aware of all your emotions; they are not great leaders, but great indicators. Be vulnerable enough for them to see you, so they can have the opportunity to love you. Don't assume they won't.
She's good, huh?
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