overload

I started to write, but I can't tonight. I'm feeling way too overwhelmed with all my emotions, which I guess is an indication of how my day went.

exhaustion.

Today wasn't awful, but I'm exhausted. The morning did not start off well. One of my girls waited all the way until 6:40am to start having a problem. It involved throwing shoes against the wall, attempting (with no success) to flood the bathroom, stealing a butter knife from the kitchen, threatening to stab me with the butter knife, and getting a few punches thrown in my general direction. It ended in a restraint, which really wore me out. Man. I get so frustrated with these girls and the way they get so upset about seemingly nonsense little things. But then I remember that their behaviors were learned through difficult experiences - behaviors to self-protect. I remember that these kids may not have the ability to verbalize their anxieties, but their anxieties are definitely legitimate. Though it is my job to keep them safe and prevent them from physically hurting others and themselves, I also want to be sensitive to what they are going through.

This job is not easy. I don't mean to throw a pity party for myself or beg for recognition. I suppose I just feel better having written that down. This job is not easy. It sucks sometimes and I wonder why the hell I'm giving up my life for these kids who have NO idea (nor care to have any idea of) what I do for them. I feel really lonely sometimes, wishing that someone understood how emotionally draining, and sometimes physically draining, this job is almost every day. I seriously thank God for my co-workers. I have been SO freaking blessed to work with amazing women who have become close friends. I don't know how I would do it without them.

I desire more compassion in my life. More love, more grace, more understanding and more patience. God knows I'm running low on patience.

a day in the life

Not much to report today. The girls here were good and we had a (thankfully) uneventful day. Oooh, we went to see The Princess and the Frog! I heard of reviews that said it was an "instant classic," but I'm not so sure I agree. Perhaps it's because I'm biased towards the Disney movies I grew up with or maybe I'm just too judgemental, but the movie wasn't fantastic. It had super creepy parts too. The evil man used VooDoo and had "friends on the other side." The shadows on the walls and the implications made toward the presence of demons made the movie less appealing as it threw around the idea of evil spirits way too lightly.

Blah, enough of that. Today, one of my girls begged and begged me to open a gift she got me for Christmas. "Kara, you are going to LOVE it!! You are going to jump up and down! You'll be so excited about what I got you!" is what I had been hearing for the past three days. Enough is enough, right? I opened the gift. It was a large bottle of apple cider scented bubble bath and a soft bath sponge that said "refresh" on it. I can't say that I was jumping up a down, but she was so sweet to get me a gift. She remembered that one day I came to cottage with a gallon of apple cider because I freaking love that stuff! So I am officially one bubble bath and one loofa the richer.

:)

nothing

I have no motivation.

this and that

I haven't had much to write about lately. Work is going well. The holidays have been a little difficult for both the kids and myself, but manageable. I was off yesterday and am off today (a blessing and rarity to be off two days in a row). Yesterday, I went down to Escondido to watch the Chargers game with a friend and I also briefly hung out with my sister. It was definitely bittersweet being in the town I grew up in, but not having a home to be invited into. Yeah, I know the term "home" has been thrown around a lot by me lately. It's the holidays...after December, I'll try to have something else to talk about. Anyway, today has been spent sleeping in and lounging around. I feel like eating ice cream and watching movies all day. Maybe I'll scrapbook some. I love lazy, do-nothing days.

The beautiful fall colors in John's backyard!


Trying to get Achilles to take a picture with me


Scifres got mad about a touchback and I caught his potty mouth on camera


What a great outfit


Who doesn't love denim on denim?

ramblings

I was driving one of my girls back from school this morning (her teacher said she needed to be at home because she was sick) and had an "awwww" moment with her. We were listening to music and not talking much when she asked me, "Can we take cotton from the clouds?" She is 13 years old and I figured she was being silly, so I told her that it was illegal to do that. Her eyes got big and she said, "Really?!" It was then that I realized she was completely serious. How precious. I told her that it isn't possible to touch the clouds because it's just water and not anything tangible (in so many words). To which she responded, "Well, in Heaven we'll be able to walk on the clouds and not fall through." Seriously. Could you BE more precious? I love these moments.

Her comments about Heaven led me to thoughts about life and our perspective of life. I have been struggling with the idea of not having a home. I can't really identify one place that is home to me. The house I lived in for several years leading up to college isn't a place that I am welcomed into anymore. I love Indiana, but I only spent four years there and I don't have a place waiting for me. I live in Chino now, where I work, that's all it is - work. I don't work at my home; my home is where I work. I get sad thinking about my lack of a home, especially around the holidays this year. I want a place that is comfortable, that is loving and accepting. I want to be excited about going home for Christmas. But I'm not. The past couple of years, I haved wished for the holidays to come and quickly go so that I'm not reminded for too long of what I don't have.

However, then I started to think about what I do have. I have a Savior who unconditionally loves and relentlessly pursues me. I have a home in Heaven waiting for me. In Heaven! It should be difficult to be unhappy here on earth when I remember that I have so much more than I could ever imagine waiting for me beyond this life. Heaven is my home. What if we lived with this eternal perspective, realizing the bigger picture? I think our problems here would become so petty as our eyes would be opened to the work going on behind the scenes. God is bigger than my problems. In my weakness, He is strong.

The question I pose to myself and offer to you is this: How will my life change as I live in light of eternity?


Our view as my friends and I drove home from backpacking in the Smoky Mountains

be where you are

Call me sentimental, but I was really sad yesterday when I changed my Indiana license plates to California license plates. I know I'm probably over-reacting, but there's just something about the midwest that feels like home to me. I feel unsettled here in California. It's definitely a process (a seemingly slow one, these days) of learning how to be content with where I am and being available for God to use me to my full potential.

From California...


...to Indiana...


...and back.

happy 1st of December

Today marks the four year anniversary of when I first saw snow fall. I was a freshman at Taylor University and I remember being outside for 4 hours, walking around in the fresh snow. I also remember getting teased for being so fascinated, but I think that's when I fell in love with the midwest. The snow is so gorgeous!! And now I'm in California where seasons don't exist and temperatures in the sixties are considered cold. I'm in California where a light mist is reason to call a storm watch and idiot drivers drive more idiotically because they can't handle the rain. California is crowded and I can't see the mountains half the time because the smog is so thick. Yeah, I'll admit I'm a little bitter.

♥ I left my heart in Indiana ♥

So pretty


Cold and windy!

Loving the icicles

Friends :)