turkey day '09

This was my first Thanksgiving in California in four years. Freshman year, I was in Illinois with family friends. Sophomore and Junior year, I was in Ohio. Senior year I was in Myrtle Beach with a friend and her family. Thanksgiving this year was weird. I was in California and the temperature was in the seventies. But the weirdest part about it was "giving" Thanksgiving instead of "getting" it. I was working yesterday and I was family to the girls in my cottage. My fellow houseparents and I were responsible for making yesterday feel like Thanksgiving for our girls.

In high school and college, the holidays were awesome because it meant a vacation from school and time with friends and family. This year, the holida looked a lot different. I worked for Thanksgiving and will probably be working on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'm the one bringing presents to the girls instead of receiving them. It is up to me and my co-workers to make the holidays special for my girls who won't be spending it with their families.

I feel a great burden this year. The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness, but I'm not happy. I feel lonely. My heart goes out for the kids here who either don't have families to be with during the holidays or just can't be with them. Yet, I can also empathize with them. I understand how it feels to be left out. I pray that God gives me the desire to make the most of this holiday season, not only for me, but also for my kids.

thoughts

I was off today and only felt a little bit guilty about not getting out of bed until 1230pm. But it was also a productive day. I finally got a smog check for my car, replaced the cracked fuel cap, and then went to Barnes and Nobles to read. You know you're growing up when your favorite place to go is the bookstore. It's nice and quiet in there, a place to get away. I also got a membership there because I realized I visited the place a lot more than I thought. That was exciting. Then my friend got off early from work and came over to hang out. She helped me clean my nasty kitchen so that my place is finally starting to look like a home!

I also got an email today that stirred up a lot of emotion. It caused me to think about how important parents are to a child. We look up to our parents. We long for their approval, love and acceptance no matter how much they may have hurt us. I think sometimes I hate them and love them at the same time, if that's even possible. It's interesting working at a place like this and seeing so many kids with loads of emotional pain caused from their parents' abuse, neglect and/or indifference. But even having gone through all of that, they still hold their parents on a pedestal and crave the relationship they may never have. It's sad to see that and even more disheartening to know that as they grow up, they'll realize that reality. And yet, it doesn't mean they won't still want to be loved by their parents, to be taken care of by their parents and to simply be important to their parents.

I wish I could be secure in myself and have the confidence to know that I'm worthy. I can't wait to be a mother someday, but I'm also terrified. God has bestowed upon parents such a crucial and challenging role.

bffs

Gosh, friends are such a blessing. I met up with Erin today, my BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. We figured out that we have been friends for almost 12 years. That's crazy!!!! We met in fifth grade, while we were both involved in our church's kids choir program. In eighth grade, our parents forced us to go on a trip together and we ended up being best friends. Thanks moms :) Erin and I went to the same high school, but she stayed in California for college, while I went 2000 miles away to Indiana. Buuuuut, we withstood the distance and I still consider her my closest friend.

Erin, we rule. And I love you ♥

Escondido Charter High School graduates!


2005


Erin visiting Taylor University in 2006


2007


Hiking Half Dome in 2008


At Disneyland for my birthday in 2009

hello little doggy

Oooh, two blogs in one day! This will make up for when I slack off later :)

My sister and I went to visit my Grandma tonight. We met her puppy for the first time and she was super cute. Her name is Maisie and she's a freaking little sprite. She was way hyper most of the time we were there, but she was so presh!

Go Bolts!

My sister came last night so we could watch the Chargers game together today. Only problem: I can't find the dang channel on tv! I'm going to be so annoyed if we don't get to watch it. Every other stupid game is on, except the only one we care about. Boo.

Last night, I was driving with some of my girls. On the road, there was a small gap in between the yellow lines designating lanes. My eleven-year old said, "That lane is for Stuart Little so he can drive too."

oh how He loves us

If only we could understand how much God loves us.

Well hello ♥

Yes, I am joining the blogging world!

Welcome to my life:

I work at a group home, taking care of eight girls between the ages of 11-16. They all have difficult histories and come with a lot of emotional baggage. My official title is "residential counselor" but I think the more commonly used title of "houseparent" describes my job more clearly. In a sense, I am a parent to these girls, though I'm hesitant to use that word. My job is to help these girls realize their potential and to help them overcome negative behaviors caused by bad relationships. I am here to be a trustworthy adult in their lives and to help them realize their worth. It is a very challenging job because of how resistant the girls can be towards us, making every day unpredictable and different. Some days are hard, but I'm pretty sure that I like my job most of the time.

I work 60-65 hours a week, which makes it hard to have a life outside of my job. Oh, and did I mention that I also live here? Recently, the line between work and life has become somewhat blurred, which makes it easy to get burned out and overwhelmed. However, I am blessed that my co-workers have become close friends who help alleviate the stress of the job.

Enough about work. I love nature. I've hiked Half Dome at Yosemite and have backpacked in the Smoky Mountains. Thy sky fascinates me. I enjoy taking trips with good friends. I prefer the midwest over California and hope to move back out there someday. I graduated with a psychology degree, but am leaning more toward social work. I'm not close to my parents. I love football and enjoy most other sports. Music helps me to escape. I try to love people as best I can, but often get frustrated that my best is not good enough. I'm doing what I can.

I wanted to post pictures, but it's getting late and I'm sleepy. Goodnight world.