How do I form words to adequately express what I feel? I can't. I'm too tired to think and even if I could, I know that words would only dull the intensity of my emotions.
I love the idea of what I do. I love the idea of helping these girls realize that 1) adults can be trusted, 2) the world is not a scary place, and 3) that they are worthy of love. I love the idea of sacrificing myself to do all I can for these girls who have gone through experiences I will never fully understand. But. How long do I stick around when I'm being physically, verbally and emotionally abused almost every day? I know not to take it personally. I know that the anger and hatred comes from somewhere deeper, but it doesn't change the fact that their anger is aimed towards me. It is hard to be constantly disrespected, assaulted and hated when I have given MY LIFE for these kids.
I hate it when they say I'm here for the money because I could be making more working at In 'N Out. I hate it when they say that I like to restrain them because that is the last thing I would like to be doing. I hate it when the girls say they are going to take pictures of the marks we give them during restraints when they have NO problem punching, kicking, biting, spitting and using whatever they can find to use as a weapon against us.
I hate that I am letting the girls get to me because I know that what they say isn't true. I know that I'm here because I care and because I CHOOSE to be. I don't want to be the girl who left because she couldn't handle it. But it isn't NORMAL to be in an environment like this, where no one appreciates your strengths, your sacrifices, your perseverence. Well, not no one. My co-workers are amazing and are always encouraging me, which is a lot of the reason why I'm still here and doing the best I can.
I hope this is only a phase I'm going through. I feel so empty.
All I can tell you is that you do make a difference and eventually they will understand what you have done for them. I worked at Hillview for almost 7 years and now I'm back. In these past few months I have been back, I have had 2 kids tell me how much they appreciate all I did for them and took from them (attitudes, violence, and destruction). They have all taken some responsibility for what they did and have APOLOGIZED for being so awful. They have also had some experiences in their lives since they left Hillview that are hard to hear. They will get it....eventually. Just remember that you are loved by more people than you know and that God will let you know when enough is enough.
ReplyDeleteKeep doing your best because that is what they NEED.
Chris